GET AT ME BRO

(is what i’ll be saying)

Yesterday I reported to school at 9:30 in the morning for track workout in the rain. It was mandatory, so obviously half the team was not there. Cool guys. So I started warm up laps, sloshing through the waterlogged astroturf and getting my socks soaking wet. It wasn’t that bad though; after a lap I realized the rain itself wasn’t that cold, and I liked the way I could see the raindrops clinging to my eyelashes. Then we did strides, and we had to do way more than usual because it was so effing cold. Then change into spikes; then 150s, then 125s, 100s, 80s, 60s. Somewhere in there a huge tsunami of water rushed over us from the construction site, completely soaking me and blurring my vision. Basically the whole time I felt like this was not real life. But I got a really good workout. And because it was so cold, I couldn’t feel my muscles getting achy and sore. I stood in front of the mirror in the locker room for a good 2 minutes looking at myself in my dripping shirt and tights that were plastered to my legs. Peeling them off felt amazing because I felt like a fucking badass, even though I did by far the easiest workout of any of the groups that day. It was a really good day and I would actually rather do another rain workout than one in sweltering weather. Yay exercise!

what the fuck?

for most people it’s nothing but for me it’s a HUGE deal, i’m very very happy

today at lunch break i warmed up with two laps around the track (in the outside lane), then i stretched and did the stairs twice in a row without stopping. then i did some lunges and some squats and some toe raises that burned like hell. then i did some core. then i went back to chronicle. then i felt really good. then i probably shouldnt have eaten all that “healthy” cookie dough when i got home, cuz now i feel shitty. but oh well. i think my calves are slimming down a little bit and it feels amazing. i still can’t believe that my body might actually change.

I also had this really great moment the other day when I realized that I was going to work out later, and I actually got excited. I got butterflies in my stomach just thinking about working out! What the fuck? I think I was mostly excited because I was thinking about a new body, how it’s all within my control. This has just been so good for me. There were months this year where I thought I’d forgotten how to feel happy. I wasn’t depressed, I wasn’t sad, I just wasn’t happy. I didn’t feel anything. I was convinced that after 2 years of being infatuated with different people, being liked by someone was the only way to feel good. Or by having something else I deemed ‘good’ happen to me. I really thought that I had to rely on an outside source for happiness. And yeah, maybe I would be happiER if someone liked me and I liked them back, because I still think that’s one of the most fantastic feelings in the world. But now I’ve figured how to make myself pretty happy nearly all the time and for no apparent reason. It’s organic and bubbly and blahh I don’t know, but I just feel so good and positive and when I think about it, that’s such a big change from who I was just a couple months ago. I’m not a sad sack anymore. Fuck man, I got rejected from college today, a college my best friend got into, and even though it’s disappointing it’s pretty much been water off my back. I don’t hate myself. Somehow I’m ending today proud of myself. Maybe I shouldn’t be but I’m not going to let anything get to me. I feel so easygoing and confident and it’s weird but I like it.

gotta get back into it

feeling GEWD

Wow. I’m legitimately tired. The good tired. Because I forgot I also did the warm up/cool down at track today and then did WEIGHTS which I actually tried on for once. Yay! Gettin shit done

Get into good enough shape that I get hit on at a track meet before the end of the season.

merp